I don’t like to talk when I am at the urinal taking a leak.
But this time I had to stand up for myself when an angry man screamed: “You can’t pee there you piece of shit.”
I looked to my right at the next urinal and did not see anybody. Then I looked down into the boiling face of a little man. He was barely four feet tall and he was huffing and puffing.
“What are you talking about,” I screamed back.
“You are not supposed to use that urinal and you know that,” he said.
Actually I didn’t.
If you go into a men’s bathroom all the urinals are at the same height except they place one about five inches lower than the others. I was standing at the lower urinal.
“The urinal you are using is for children and little people,” small guy said.
I swear on a stack of Bibles that I had never heard that before. I just grabbed an empty space and unzipped my pants. I explained to him that I was unaware of this unwritten rule of the men’s room.
Short stack claimed everybody knew.
“Why do you think one of the urinals is lower,” he asked.
“I thought it was for guys with a longer penis,” I said.
Short stack did not like my joke and called me a mother fucker. That was the last straw and all my senses of being nice went out the window.
He said he had to stand on his tippy toes when he uses the taller urinals. Since he was so mean to me I laughed at him.
He wanted to fight me but I declined his invitation.
“Are you scared,” he rumbled.
“Yes, I am scared actually,” I said. “I’m scared that I will kick your ass so badly that I could end up on the six o’clock news.”
Why fight. I was in a no win situation. If it got out that I beat up a little person many of you would view me as an ass. If I got trucked like Buddy did by small man Peter Dinklage during the movie Elf you’d all be laughing at me and would demand your shot to punch me out.
There was no fight. He laughed at my response and it seemed to settle him down and he returned to a normal, but still short, human being.
I promised him I would never use the short urinal again although I have. And he promised to control his temper better, which I am sure he has failed to do.
Help me. Is this something I should have known? Is this common knowledge that the shorter urinal is reserved for little people and boys?
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