I am feeling proud today.
I am getting this public social distancing thing down finally. I was tasked with buying a vacuum from Wal-Mart today and I stayed out of everybody’s way.
I deserve a sanitized gold star.
A few weeks ago I went to the grocery store and bumped into every living soul at Kroger. I failed to do one thing. I did not read the floor. Your guide to safe shopping is plastered all over the place. I failed to notice.
I’m a quick shopper. My goal is to get in and out as quickly as possible. I take long strides while racing to my next destination. That’s why I kept bumping into people at Kroger.
I now take it slowly and I keep my head down to read my marks. I never noticed green stickers saying it is OK to walk down this aisle and the red ones that tell you don’t. I didn’t get any dirty stares today.
I wore my mask correctly and even waited for the lady in front of Wal-Mart to sanitize my cart.
I’m a little behind the rest of the world because I barely come out of the house. I fill up my tank with gas every third Friday. I’m not allowed to go grocery shopping. I am not allowed to pick up carry out.
I have to sneak out of the house because my wife Abs is the female version of Dr. Fauci. The difference is her guidelines are tougher. She even makes Gov. Whitmer look weak.
Abs would have been proud. I wiped down my steering wheel. I did not hug or kiss anyone in the store. I did not squeeze any woman’s ass. I was a good boy. And I washed my hands as soon as I walked into the house.
Today should be an exciting day for me because the bars and restaurants are back open at 50 percent capacity in Michigan. The bad news is my Dr. Fauci won’t allow me to hit the bars and restaurants until August — in the year 2023.
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